Public loneliness

One feeling I’ll always struggle with is the feeling of loneliness. I’ve learned to accept that it’s something I always have to fight. It follows me like a shadow and is rooted very deeply in me. I haven’t always suffered from it, sometimes it’s been a strength. Being able to carry on in my work wherever I am in the world. But sometimes when the pace of daily life slows down, it can get dark and heavy. It’s like I’ve accepted that I can’t have everything. And that’s okay. To live my life requires huge sacrifices, being a public figure has changed me and and I’m not as open as I used to be. Sometimes I’m even sceptical towards people to protect myself. Last time I let someone I really loved in, in ended horribly. I still haven’t recovered from it.

I found a few lines in a book I can relate to a lot…

I’m not on stage but I’ve almost lived half my life as a public figure. I know my childhood has made me strong, because I’ve always been monitored and judged during my teens. Its given me a spine of steel and I realize how little I care about other people’s opinions. But there’s a backside to being public which is awful. One of last year’s toughest memories was when the headlines reads that the kids and I had to flee the country and played alone in a playground in Spain. I tried to keep it together for the kids but that was the first time I really asked myself the question: is it worth it?

One of my followers commented on an instagram photo today, and said I looked sad. After I started meditating every day, I’m more in tune with my mood and I actually feel calm and strong. The strongest emotion I feel is gratitude for everything I get to experience in life. I wake up grateful and I fall asleep grateful. Because I am a positive soul, I tell myself to not complain because I have two healthy children, friends and a fantastic job. But there is still a loneliness rooted within me and I don’t really know what to do about that. But everyone faces challenges in life, maybe this will always be mine? I know my friends always become worried when I write about this and feel like they’re not enough, but that’s not what it’s about. I’ve truly found some beautiful and amazing friends who are my family. I just think that it’s a feeling that I’ll always have inside, regardless of other people’s presence. Of course, the more public I become, the more difficult it gets. My challenge will always be to let new people into my life and trust that they’ll stay even when I feel low. It’s been difficult but I’m trying.

In the meanwhile, I have to live with the shadow.
But that’s okay.

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