We’re back in Sweden but I’m travelling again tomorrow. As soon as I dropped off the kids with Odd at Arlanda I went to my hotel and took a calming medication. I’ve been strong and tablet free for a week because of the kids but when we’d said goodbye I couldn’t uphold the facade any more. I lay down on the bed and cried. I cried until the oxcascand started working. The feelings I’m having now are just a horrible grief. I’m so angry and betrayed but there’s also a broken heart that’s aching the most. I loved him so much I miss our time together and would love to do rewind everything. I miss his look, his embrace. His way of looking at me and making me feel like the only person in the world. How he knew I fought with loneliness and always beig htere for me. He said I was part of his family. How we were a family. The open relationship was his idea, something that didn’t feel right but I wanted it to work. So I accepted it.
It hurts so much to know everything was just a fraud. I think about on the trip to Dubai with the kids. How he helped Sally with her shoes every night. Our trip to the Maldives, our weekend in NYC. Walks in the middle of the night through the city that never sleep and stopping at an ice cream bar. We sat there at 1AM and ate huge vegan ice cream all alone and I could just feel the happiness of being with him. According to me, he was the smartest person I’d ever met. I remember I thought he was too big for this world. He couldn’t fit in it.
I’m thinking about my birthday. It felt too good to be true. And it was. It was all fake and on borrowed money. All the lies.
What hurts the most is that I don’t know what’s what. When he spoke the truth or lied because it fit better into my world according to him. I don’t know if he ever really loved me or everything around me. The horrible thing is that I’ll never know and that really hurts.
I’ve had my heart broken by him and I’ve been so burned. The first person I really let in turned out to be someone else. It hurts so much
How do you really move on? Will I ever dare to trust anyone again? Linus and sheila are coming over for dinner tonight. There’ll be room service and I want to be close to them and just cry. I feel like a wreck.